I wrote this last Saturday, after Youngest Son’s birthday….
‘It was youngest son’s birthday today and it’s been full on. Up, presents, breakfast, football pitch, lazer quest, football pitch, home, lego, bed. Full on, non stop. It took loads of organising too..texting parents, buying food, presents, balloons; you know how it goes.
But tonight I feel flat and sad.
I think it’s because I didn’t really connect with either of my sons today. They were busy with friends and lazers, football and lego and so didn’t really engage with me. I’m not even sure we’ve had a hug.
How did you connect with your kids today?
Today I have been driver, caterer, project manager, social secretary, financier, minder, first-aider and person in charge of nagging that it is time to: get dressed, leave, come home, tidy up, go to bed.
I don’t feel like I’ve been a mum.
Is this what being a mum is like as your kids get older? They didn’t need me for fun or help or company today they had each other and their mates, I was in the background; watching.
I watched them have fun, watched them climb, run, play, pass food, get on, sort things out, get ready for bed. Watching my sons grow.
How do you see your role as a parent?
I know that my job as a parent it to let go, support and allow to fly ..I just hadn’t expected to be doing it today. But today they were flying free, nice kids with lovely friends having fun.
Birthdays are weird days, because what I didn’t realise until my mum died is that it’s not just our birth day….its the day our mother gave birth, the day we women are born again as mums, the day we become life givers.
So when I see my son running wild and free I remember my role in his birth, in his life and I wonder what I will be to him as he moves forward. Will I be the person who pays, nags and drives him around, or will I be a friend, a confidant a champion and supporter?
How do you feel about your children growing up?
I’m going to let my sadness be because it arises from his independence, his moving away, his autonomy and all of that is what I wish for him; to be free and confident and enjoying life and it does made me sad, I did miss my hugs today, I will miss them when they go, I miss them when they are not around.
Parenting is such a mix of emotions…such contradictions of loss and pride…the only way is to allow all my emotions just to be and to allow my sons to do what they need to do to flourish in their lives.
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