roller-coaster corona-coaster

Roller-coaster/ Corona- coaster: the ups and downs of emotions caused by covid-19.

Oh yes.

Intense loneliness even though I live with people.

Exhaustion when I have done nothing.

Fuzzy thinking.

Seeing things much more clearly.

Old grief emerging.

Peace.

Calm.

Serenity.

Lack of joy.

Gratitude.

More creativity, less creativity.

Love.

Fear.

Sadness.

I think for me, the weirdest thing is the fuzzy thinking plus seeing things more clearly.  When I try to focus on something, even writing this blog, I can’t formulate thoughts in the same way I usually would, hence fewer blog this week, shorter sentences.

There are things I can’t see and other things I am seeing much more clearly; things which normally get lost in busy daily life and are now rising to the surface.   I see gaps where I didn’t before.  Gaps between who I am now and what I want and the environment, situations and relationships in my life. It is almost like, as clutter is cleared out, I can see the elephants in the room.

And I kind of liked it when I couldn’t.  I liked it when I could fill the gaps with being busy and productive. Now I’m seeing the elephants I’m not sure what to do about them and my head is too fuzzy to think.

I guess what I am doing, thinking out loud on the page, is getting to really look at the elephants, to get to know them, to get to look at them close up, as they actually are, rather than as I think they are.

I keep wanting to know what ‘to do about’ them, but actually, you can’t work out what to do with anything until you understand it more.

So it feels very uncomfortable.  And a relief.  And scary.  There’s that roller coaster, not caused by covid, but by having the time and space and stillness and inability to run away.

Which is when the old griefs leak in.  I wonder when grief is ever done, we are so bad at mourning in our society.  Great waves of grief at my parents’ divorce over forty years ago, at my mother’s death nearly twenty years ago.  Both the loss of family, the loss of some of the sense of being taken care of, of being loved unconditionally, of being home and being safe.  A sense of being able to be myself and known. It just feels so present at the moment.

I have been analysing the data from my three questions about the affect of covid, which I hope to get out this weekend, and what is really coming across is how many more people are feeling less stress than are feeling their stress has increased.  Many more people do not want to go back to how things were before than do. And everyone is roller-coastering.  Everyone.

It isn’t like, but is like, when I had a breakdown ten years.  That fuzziness, that inability to focus as sharply as I would normally.  A sense of feeling too fragile to make the changes I knew I needed to make and could suddenly clearly see.  But the changes got made and I am grateful for that time because my life is better for it.

So all I think I, and maybe you, can do with this roller-coaster, is ride it until it slows and stops. The survey shows we have all seen things more clearly even in our fuzziness and seeing is the start of change. Because once you have seen the elephant in the room, you can’t ignore it.

Be gentle with yourself and I will be with me…talk to those people who can really hear you as you muddle through to find sense in it.

xx

ps..here is a great article about the ‘dreaded third quarter of isolation’

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