I have been sniffing and feeling and pondering and feeling like the earth is moving under my feet and I have been trying to capture sensations in words.
Here’s where I started…feeling like these were the things that mattered to me.
I even did a podcast about it:
Then I tried to think about these things and how they connected…I couldn’t make it work on paper and no one in my house was prepared to make a multi-dimensional model for me.
So I left it.
And read some more and watched the bracken unfurl.
And then yesterday I had a bit of a realisation. That I have had these shifts into a new way of living before:
- When I had kids – which led to a family centered work life
- When I had the breakdown – which led to the coaching, writing and all my well-being stuff
And each of these were accompanied by time out of work which led to the shift integrating more fully.
And this feels like another one of those times of stepping out of the ‘normal’. I wrote in my journal;
‘Like each is a new phase…with a gestation period so before stage one I was a child/student cared for by mum and grants, that was a long stage including travelling and relationships and marriage. Then stage 2 was integrating kids and taking my foot off the hierarchical, material, external achievement pedal. Then stage 3 was when I had a breakdown and 7 weeks of work which led to me having coaching and also the coaching training, which led to me I starting writing, met lots of people who I’m still close to and was the beginning of the end of my marriage. And then now, COVID-19 the earth is calling me to live more simply and sustainably and more in tune with her.’
And this is the picture I made last night from that realisation:
Then I woke up super early today and realised that each of these stages has had a gestation period followed by a rebirth of a different way of living.
Each time there has been a new rebirth I have had no idea of how to do it. There were losses and hardships, confusion, chaos. I had no idea how to be a parent, no idea how to recover from a breakdown, but each time I knew something radical had to change in how I was living to accommodate something or someone new.
I felt my way. Sniffed. I worked it out slowly. People showed up to guide and support me. Opportunities, books, courses, conversations appeared to help me. I tried things and dropped them if they didn’t feel right, and then then tried something else. Some things and people disappeared and some stayed. I felt my way and help was there when I needed it and I found my way forward and integrated the changes to a richer, deeper, fuller life.
So now, this phase feels like a rebirth into an eco-centric way of life. I have no real idea what that even means. But this is where I got to before I rose out of bed today:
I have no idea what stage 4 will mean, how to do it, how to live it. I have no plans, no certainty. Even the above model might change again or totally.
But just like pregnancy when I knew something new was coming, or as I lay sobbing on the kitchen floor when I knew something old was dying, I can feel something has shifted that can’t shift back. You can’r un-see something that is seen or unfeel something that is strongly felt.
I await to see where the sniffing leads. Will you join me?
My mid-wives along the way have been the books and podcasts below:
Sharon Blackie Podcast and book (below) which led me to Linda Kohanov.
Linda Kohanov who I listened to on lots of podcasts being interviewed and whose book (below) I read. Her work led me to these podcasts:
Alexandra Kurland’s Horses for Futures – Here’s a link but it is on other apps.
Alexa Linton’s The Whole Horse Podcast here and on other apps.
Which led me to these podcasts (all can be found on lots of podcast platforms).
Somewhere I found ‘Nature and the Human Soul’
And many of these led me to Joanna Macy who is on many podcasts and has so many resources.
…From one breadcrumb to the next, step by step, feeling my way..
Will you join me? Here’s my invitation –