I’ve had a couple of email from people asking if I’m OK as I haven’t blogged for a while. Thank you for asking.
It’s been a funny few months: there was a close death on Boxing day, I hit an all time winter low, I’ve definitely been hormonal, I’ve got a trapped nerve in my shoulder and a bulging disc between my C5 and C6 vertebrae and it’s been cold and dark and damp which are not my optimal conditions.
Things have had to change. I’ve been prioritising myself. So I’ve started on HRT, of which more later once I’ve had a couple of months to see how it goes. I’m on the list for the physio, the sun and light is making a difference, and life is in a new rhythm after the death. I am giving myself time to do the work for the yoga teacher training teacher and am really beginning to trust my teacher. I don’t always agree with him, but I do respect his experience and am feeling more centered about my abilities; I don’t need to be super flexible to teach yoga well.
You may have noticed or know that I have handed over the Red Tent to someone who I trust and know will run it well and I have cancelled all the retreats. I do have a story in my head that I am letting people down by cancelling, or handing over. I worry that people will think I am flaky and uncommitted. I also worry that I might not have done the right thing long term.
But I have done the right thing for me now. I’ve been prioritising myself.
I do a lot of emotional holding at home, as women often do, and also at work where I’m doing an increased amount of teaching and coaching and so actually my need is to be held. I lead in the classroom so it’s nice to be led in my yoga. I want to go to retreats and workshops but I don’t want to be running them. I want to receive energy back to balance what I give out and I’m pleased that I’ve honoured what I need as in the past I would have pushed through and done ‘the right thing’ for everyone else whilst not looking after myself and I have learned the hard way, that if I don’t look after myself, I’m no good at all to anyone else.
Also, I’m having an affair.
With a book.
The domestic abuse book that I did the interviews for over 2 years ago. I finished a first draft in the summer, but it wasn’t it, it felt too heavy and the women I interviewed struggled to read it. So I left it.
Then I found an editor.
Then an illustrator.
I’ve really been prioritising re-writing it and it’s sooo much better. I feel really excited about it. I’m loving the process of writing and this time I think I’m writing something that will be easy to read which is important as I really want it to reach a wide audience to make a difference to as many people as possible.
So that’s where I’ve been. Still writing, writing loads and I’ll be sure to share it with you once it’s ready.
Thank you for bearing with me and I hope you’re all well.
Just curious about how you could prioritize your needs? Your wants? Your passions? Your desires? What would you have to let go of in order to put yourself first? I dare you!