Ambition

I’ve always been really focused and success driven. 2 MAs, 1 degree, 2 post grad certs and 1 PhD attest to a life spent achieving.

  • What are your biggest achievements?

But I’ve lost my mojo.

I’ve got half a book written, an audio course on divorce good to go…but my drive to get on with them has just gone.

Part of it is that I am actually feeling content. Content: ‘in a state of peaceful happiness’..seems to sum it up.  I like the work I do and the people I do it with. I love my home, my kids, my partner. I have great friends. My health is good, I have enough money.

Happy
Happy
  • What does ‘content’ mean to you?
  • When do you feel content’
  • What gets in the way of you feeling content

Which makes me wonder if all that achieving was because I was looking for something outside to fill the gap where contentment was missing.  People have questions why I work/study so hard..asking if it was a way of avoiding stuff.

I don’t feel that sense of drive, of urgency, of ambition to do anything, be anywhere or be anyone.  I like where I am and who I am.

Not that I don’t still have things to learn, but I notice that my ambitions are more inward looking than they have been in the past; more private.

My ambition is to support and raise healthy, happy, resilient, emotionally intelligent children. My ambition is to grow a relationship which allows each of us to learn and grow from and with each other. My ambition is to sit in the garden and enjoy the birds and the plants more. My ambition is to be happier and more loving each day.

  • What are your ambitions?

I like Einstein’s words: ‘Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value’. I feel of value to my kids, my partner and my job and that makes me feel satisfied.  I also feel of value to myself, I appreciate what I bring to life and to others.

When I read quotations about success and ambition, they are all about focus and ambition and striving and I have done those things and succeeded in many ways.

But this success seems much slower, much more unfolding and rather that drive, ambition, tenacity, and vision I seem to be using different qualities.

I notice instead of having an ambitious vision, I am really clear on my values and I am guided by them.  I am also guided by my feelings; when I wasn’t writing for those weeks because I haven’t felt like it and making myself felt phony. Instead of looking ahead I’m being much more present to what is and working with what shows up.  My vision is much gentler – a happy loving family and kids who are happy and loving and secure.

Instead of drive and tenacity, I notice I am letting things go more; when ES is shouty, I’m letting go of the rows more readily. Rather than pushing ahead, I feel like we are weaving a life between us and each of us bring our own strands with their knots and frays and so the pattern is constantly changing.

Success and ambition now feel much more spontaneous than planned.

We’d had a lovely day with friends round for breakfast; YS and friend made a den by the river and garlanded it with flowers (how much more success is needed in life?)

In the afternoon sons went off doing various footbally things and us working in the garden.  We were all bonfire smelling and tired.

YS and I were down by the river at dusk and we decided to have a fire on the bank so we called the other 2 down with the dog.  As the dusk settled in we gathered tinder and sticks and started a fire.  We sat by it and watched the river and the flames and then the stars emerge one by one. We poked sticks, rolled in the dirt and at the end of the night, the 3 boys peed on the fire amidst giggles of delight at the steam they created (well, 2 out of 3 of them did!).

It was spontaneous and so special. We all laughed and hugged and sung by the fire, and tickled and giggled and wiggled.  It cost not a penny, took no planning and was certainly not an aim. But it was a golden moment that cannot be replaced.

river
river

So let’s focus on what success really means to us in our hearts, not a the world would have it.  Let’s focus on the things that will matter on our death bed.

Love Julie

ps

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